Failing

Mid afternoon today my beloved nephew informed me that I was receiving an "F" . Yes, that's right, an "F"! He actually wrote out a capital letter F on his etch-a-schetch and circled it! Oh the horrors! My face must have be priceless, I think I froze in place, shocked into complete inaction. In retropsect it's pretty funny... and heartbreaking.

He was mad that I was not allowing him to go "work" on the computer. I had outlined which of the 3 activities he could choose from, computer time wasn't one of those. His immediate frustrated response was to whip out his handy etch-a-schetch and draw out a big bold letter F and present it to me, while informing me that I was "not his friend!"

Ouch! Man, talk about ingratitude! In recent months, I've spent nearly a month of my time, caring for him and his sisters, day after day, separated from my husband and my home. I cook for him, cajole him into eating proteinaceous food and clean up after him, all the while he's begging for "treats", like cookies and popsicles. I turn on the T.V. shows he likes, play Scooby-Doo games on the computer with him, for hours on end.... I wipe his rear end after he poops, for chrisake!

But still, his reaction to not getting his way involves flunking me.....

I must admit it is dissapointing, I want to be the "Fun and Exciting, Aunt Anna" that he looks forward to seeing, that he laughs with and plays with. And I am, sometimes. We have great moments, but somehow in the midst of cleaning up after the million disasters a day created by one of 4 small children, I lose my patience and my sense of humor. I can come up with a million reasons or excuses for why I get so frustrated, or what "they " did, or how my anger was well deserved, but it doesn't change the fact that I lose it.

I lose my cool, I lose my composure, I lose my enjoyment of spending this time with all of these children whom I love so much.

And really it is MY loss.

And that hurts... a lot.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, kids are very challenging and I'm learning a lot about myself and about what kind of parent I am. Before long my own sweet little Mielle will learn to articulate her needs, her feelings and her frustrations. And then I'll be the one shaking my head over the words coming out of her mouth.

For instance, right now she'd be saying "Mama, get off the computer and CHANGE MY DIAPER!"

And I REALLY want to get an "A" so I'm gonna stop typing and go change her diaper, while bestowing apon her a thousand kisses and smiles...